I Love Water, by Diquerious Mandelbaumb

Hey, new jack. Getting into lifting, huh? Whatcha got there? Some protein? Nice. That's great. What about that jug you're hiding behind your back? Creatine? Sure, can't hurt. And of course you got a good stretch in, right? Gotta ease those muscles into the ol' workout. That's great, bud, looks like you're all ready to get started. But it seems to me you're missing one important ingredient to a great workout. No, I'm not talking about your self-made Very Best of Godsmack CD (although that obviously doesn't hurt. I once flipped a Volkswagon carrying a family of four solely powered on their smash single Keep Away). I'm talking about good old fashion WATER, baby. H2O.

You don't feed your plants Miracle Gro and don't water 'em, right? No, of course you don't, because you're not a fucking idiot. Or maybe you are a fucking idiot who can't understand why all your plants are dying. Can't really say, I've never met you, but what I CAN say is this: without water you'd fucking die, just like that fern growing behind your momma's couch. Yeah, that's right. DIE. Shit just got real didn't it? Well relax and keep listening, and you'll never have to worry about dying again.

You ever shoot someone in the stomach see those movies where someone gets shot in the stomach and they're slowly bleeding out? What did that sonofabitch do they always ask for? What is it that his their dying carcass craved craves? If you said a protein-rich steak dinner then I'd like to make a personal visit to your home to put my size 13 (yeah, that's right, 13) square up your ass. But I don't have to do that, do I? Because you know damn well that the answer to that question is WATER.

What's that? You don't watch movies? And you hate water? You'd rather drink Gatorade?? Listen, buster, I don't wish ill will on anyone, but right about now I hope you get hit by a train and die. Your body doesn't want some sugar laced pisswater that comes in neon colors. That's that rotting turd inside your thick skull playing tricks on you. Listen to your body. It wants agua. H2O. WATER, BABY.

Man, I love water so much I'm writing this entire post from inside the shower. My dick gets hard when I'm within 20 feet of a swimming pool. I spent 3 years in federal prison for trying to blow up an umbrella factory, and to be completely honest with you, I ain't afraid of going back.

I know, I know, sometimes I take things too far. But if you saw what water made out of my body you'd fucking puke in your hat, bro. I'm like that famous Renaissance sculpture of David, if he was twice as jacked and had a big dick. And yeah, loving water so much doesn't come without some side effects, but if you're not comfortable enough in your own skin to be able to piss yourself inside of a Walgreen's and walk out with your head held high then I'm not sure how much I can really help you in the first place.

That's all the time I've got for today. Please just drink some goddamn water, will ya?

Diquerious Mandelbaumb is a gigantic asshole who loves water. Reach him at diqbaumb@gmail.com