Did you know that there are 345 million people without water access in Africa? That sucks. But do you know what doesn't suck about Africa? Lions. But do you know what sucks about lions? They have barbed penises. Spiked fucking dicks. So if you're ever stuck in the precarious position of being eaten alive by a pride of lions, set yourself at ease and tell yourself that it could always be worse.
Sometimes when I think about suicide (not mine, just suicide in general) I think the best way to go out would be to try to fight a lion. Now you probably don't stand a chance, but what happens if you win? All of a sudden you don't feel so worthless anymore, right? You might get mauled a bit, sure, but I'd gladly go through the rest of my life without the use of my legs if I was know as the guy who murdered the King Of the Jungle with my bare fucking hands.
How great would that be? I'd probably get to be a guest on Letterman and tell my story, and then Letterman would say something like "You've got quite a set of balls, kid" and then he'd say, "Paul what do you think of this guy?" and Paul Shaffer would say, "HUGE balls!". Then I'd show them my custom made walking cane with a bejeweled lion dick on the handle.
-Diq
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